Hello Sue,
My 10-year-old argues about everything — from what to wear in the morning to when to go to bed. Is this normal, and how do I handle it without every day turning into a battle?
Olivia
Dear Olivia
First, take a deep breath — this is normal. Around the age of 10, children develop a stronger sense of independence and identity. They’re beginning to test boundaries, question authority, and practice decision-making. In short, the arguing is less about the shirt or the bedtime and more about “I want to have a say in my world.”
Research on child development shows that kids who push back (within reason) are practicing essential skills, such as negotiation, critical thinking, and self-advocacy. The challenge is that what feels like a growth milestone to psychologists can be a headache for parents.
So, how do you maintain peace without relinquishing authority?
- Pick your battles. Not everything is worth the fight. If your child wants to wear mismatched socks, let it go. Save your energy for the non-negotiables (safety, health, respect).
- Offer choices, not ultimatums. Instead of “Put on your shoes now,” try “Do you want the sneakers or the sandals?” Kids are more cooperative when they feel they’ve had a say.
- Set clear limits. Independence doesn’t mean chaos. Calm, consistent rules (such as bedtime, screen time, and chores) help children understand where the boundaries are.
- Stay calm. If you escalate, they escalate. Modeling calm problem-solving shows them how to handle disagreements constructively.
- Notice the good moments. Praise cooperation when you see it. Positive attention is far more powerful than arguments.
The goal isn’t to stop your 10-year-old from ever arguing again — that’s part of growing up. The goal is to guide them through this stage so they learn to express themselves respectfully and make good choices.
So the next time your child digs in their heels about socks or bedtime, remember: you’re not just surviving arguments, you’re raising a future adult who knows how to stand up for themselves — and hopefully knows when not to.
Warm regards,
Sue
More about Sue
Sue is an educational specialist in learning difficulties with a B.A. Honors in Psychology and a B.D. degree. Early in her career, Sue was instrumental in training over 3,000 teachers and tutors, providing them with the foundational and practical understanding to facilitate cognitive development among children who struggle to read and write. With over 30 years of research to her name, she conceptualized the Edublox teaching and learning methods that have helped thousands of children worldwide. In 2007, she opened the first Edublox reading and learning clinic; today, there are 30 clinics internationally. Sue treasures the “hero” stories of students whose self-esteem soars as their marks improve.