Hello Sue,
I always try to build my daughter’s confidence by telling her how smart she is. But lately, I’ve noticed something strange. When she struggles with schoolwork, she gets frustrated quickly and sometimes says, “I guess I’m not smart after all.” I don’t understand — I thought praise was supposed to help! Am I doing something wrong?
Sybil
Hello Sybil
You’re absolutely not alone. Every loving parent wants their child to feel capable and confident — and praise seems like the most natural way to do that. However, as surprising as it may sound, not all praise builds confidence. Some types can actually make children more anxious and less resilient when they face challenges.
Let’s unpack what’s going on.
The problem with “You’re so smart”
Research by psychologist Dr. Carol Dweck and her colleague Claudia Mueller at Stanford University revealed something fascinating. When children were praised for being smart, they became more cautious. Faced with more complex problems, they gave up sooner and chose easier tasks the next time. Why? Because they believed their success depended on being naturally intelligent — and if they failed, it meant they weren’t smart after all.
That kind of praise unintentionally teaches a fixed mindset — the belief that ability is something you either have or don’t have.
The power of “You worked hard”
In contrast, when children were praised for their effort, they developed a growth mindset — the belief that intelligence and skill can grow through practice, strategy, and persistence. They tackled more challenging tasks, recovered more quickly from mistakes, and enjoyed learning even more.
A simple shift in language makes a huge difference. Instead of praising who they are, praise what they did. For example:
- ❌ “You’re so clever!” → ✅ “I love how you kept trying different ways to solve that.”
- ❌ “You’re a natural reader.” → ✅ “Your reading has improved because you’ve been practicing every night.”
- ❌ “You got it right again!” → ✅ “You focused really well on that problem.”
This type of feedback highlights effort, focus, and strategy, helping children see that success is within their control.
When praise becomes pressure
Another subtle trap is overpraising. When every small task gets big applause (“That’s amazing!” “You’re the best!”), praise loses its meaning — and children may start performing for approval rather than for learning. Some even develop performance anxiety, fearing they won’t live up to their parents’ expectations next time.
The key is balance. Praise should feel earned, not automatic. A child should sense that you noticed something real: concentration, perseverance, creativity, or kindness.
What to say instead
Here are a few ways to keep praise constructive and empowering:
- Be specific: “I noticed how neatly you organized your notes today.”
- Focus on effort and process: “You kept trying even when it got tricky.”
- Encourage reflection: “What helped you figure that out?”
- Reinforce progress: “You’re getting better at this each time.”
- Acknowledge character: “That was kind of you to help your friend.”
🌱 Sue’s takeaway
Praise isn’t the problem — it’s the type of praise that matters. Children thrive on recognition, but they need to understand that success stems from effort, effective strategies, and persistence, rather than innate traits like “smart” or “talented.”
When we shift from “You’re so clever” to “You worked really hard on that,” we’re not just changing words — we’re shaping how a child sees themselves, their abilities, and the power they have to grow.
Sue
More about Sue
Sue is an educational specialist in learning difficulties with a B.A. Honors in Psychology and a B.D. degree. Early in her career, Sue was instrumental in training over 3,000 teachers and tutors, providing them with the foundational and practical understanding to facilitate cognitive development among children who struggle to read and write. With over 30 years of research to her name, she conceptualized the Edublox teaching and learning methods that have helped thousands of children worldwide. In 2007, she opened the first Edublox reading and learning clinic; today, there are 30 clinics internationally. Sue treasures the “hero” stories of students whose self-esteem soars as their marks improve.
